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03 December 2006 @ 02:39 am
Momentum and deception.  
Crazy self-defeatist.
Why are my horoscopes always so relative?
Blah.

"It can be frustrating to work on connecting with a person, only to feel like it's not quite enough despite all your hard work. Try examining why you felt like you had to put such a great effort into the situation."

I need to step out and take a good long look at this person. What do I feel for him? Why do I feel this way? What makes me care?

The more I try to figure it out, the more I realize he is wrong for me in every sense of the word. If he hadn't caught me at the exact moment he did, I probably wouldn't even feign interest. But he caught me. Lord, did he catch me, and held me, and totally took advantage of that. Ladies and gentlemen, I think Benn has now experienced his first rebound. And lord knows it wasn't easy. It isn't easy. I care about him, but not on the instant heart-stopping level. More on the bacterial-infestation-growth level. That probably doesn't make any sense, but he would get it.

And that's one of the things about him that bugs me more than anything. He sees the little nuances I drop left and right. Pieces them together, then views the global. It's fascinating how I've never so deeply explored that side of myself until now. Realizing that my attributes which bring about that self-conscious voice within me are the attributes I could choose to be most proud of.

He can sometimes pull out the good in me. he calls me out on my bullshit. He uses me for his on negated personal field. He leans on me to care about him, so he can explore. Every adventurer needs a home to come back to, right?

Here's what he fails to see:
I'm quite the fucking adventure myself.

I met someone that may have warped my view of people. I need to be less cocky about my intelligence. Granted I'm smart, granted I'm wise, but I met someone that knows how to "pull the bull" just as well as I do. And he only does it for impression. bad page, indeed.

Work is slowly crawling along. I was actually still drunk when I went in this morning-which is funny, considering my uptight work ethic. I need to learn to let parts of myself go if I'm ever going to change. The death of the old fertilizes the growth of the new, right?

Beauty in pain, song in sorrow, etc.

I was deeply affected recently. It's hard to maintain a healthy stand point about being stabbed in the back. It twirls around you all kinds of teasing emotions; abandonment, hatred, fear, self loathing, anti-trust, etc.

I fucking hate it.

Oh, and do us both a favor:
Don't tell me "how it is" unless that's actually "how it is."
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: calmTired.
Current Music: Ace of MUTHAFUCKIN Base
 
 
 
Shanellgemini_rain on December 3rd, 2006 07:47 pm (UTC)
you need to call me. And we need to go out. Your posts keep dropping hints and driving me crazy. And I worry about you....