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23 April 2007 @ 12:17 am
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Everyone leaves. This is the worst situation I think I've ever glanced myself being a part of. Oh what a tangled web we weave, right? I wish all this would go away. I've never had the desire to hide as much as I do now. So don't take it personal if I'm avoiding you. Don't take it personal if I hate you. Don't take it personal, because I hate it all baby. My life is nothing but hatred and passion and agony and all these stupid things that happen that can't possibly make sense. It's just a random juxtaposition of events I can only have an inkling of a prayer of a thought that they'll all make sense one day.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

It's unfortunate. I'll never know you. You'll never know me.
It's all so fucking unfortunate, isn't it?
It's all so fucking complicated, isn't it?
It all just fucking blows up, doesn't it?
Nothing can turn out right, can it?
Nothing is fucking easy, is it?

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

I don't know how much longer I can cling to this miserable remnant of a life, of a person, of a thought worth thinking. I wish I could get past this juvenile degenerate form of self-pity and loathing, but it's simply spiraling out of control. I can't find anyone to hold onto, I can't find any guidance.
I can't find anything to
slow the fucking

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Nobody does what I'm doing. No one means anything. It all is just. Just is. There is no passion. no creative. No happy.
I was so busy thinking of the almost,
I forgot about the was.
Now I am nothing.
And it feels
so fucking

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Current Mood: scaredscared
27 March 2007 @ 01:33 am
I can't see your star.
I can't see your star.
Though I patiently waited, bedside, for the death of today.
I can't see your star.
The mechanical lights of Lisbon frightened it away.

My, my. It has been such a long while.
Wilkommen Mich.

Well, what can I say...my life blew up. Again. I'm just trying to end this war with myself so I can simply exist. Without having to fight not only the rest of the world and the intentions of others, but myself in turn. I'm exhausted past any point I've ever reached. I'm loosing touch with the things I really care about. I've given up on love entirely. Does it exist? Fuck if I know. Have I known it before? That's funny. Don't think so. Do I pretend a lot more? Yes. Is this the fun kind of pretend? Fuck no. I'm in a place...beyond places. I've pushed myself past the comfort zone, (and no, not where Jerri Blank buys her clothes.) I've found forgiveness within myself, which is strange considering how judgmental I really am. Everyone seems to know their path so well. The red carpet rolls in front of them and they simply follow. Is this the tragedy and difficulty of being an artist?
As if I could call myself that. Creativity has become lost in the swamp of swelling water that rushes past me with each breath. I'm just ticking. Ticking ticking closer to the moment when I die. Will I ever grow some balls and do something substantial? I'm I doomed to indecision? Will I ever finish reading Perdido fucking Street Station?
The answer to these questions and more on my dying day, I guess.

And I'm alone now,
Me and all I stood for.
We're wandering now.
All in parts in pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out

How can I be so alone? I've always imagined myself that way. Now I am. It's a different feeling. Especially for someone like me. It's not like everyone hates me, I'm past believing that. But I find myself pushing everyone away. I'm not comfortable with anyone at the moment. Especially myself. I'm not quite sure how to cope with myself. This is getting really complicated. I wish I didn't have to always speak with a purpose. I could be one of those people that just flap their gums and talk out of their ass and never feel guilty for it. I'm not of those. I never will be. Damn. I'm getting crazier by the second.

I can't see your star.
I can't see your star.
How can the darkness feel so wrong?

And I'm alone now,
Me and all I stood for.
We're wandering now.
All in parts in pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out.

When did I start holding myself accountable to other's standards? When I have I ever been that type of person? I mean, we all know, I know, I knew you loose a little bit of yourself when you "grow Up". Why does it feel like I've lost track of myself entirely. I can't cope with this struggle anymore.
Try our new formula Benn!
100% polished, professional, and cold hearted!
No longer runny,
this new mix kicks weakness to the core!
(I'm becoming far too corporate.)

I'm loosing the empathy. Loosing the drive. Loosing the self-sufficiency. Loosing the passion. Loosing the people. Loosing my addictions. Loosing myself. Loosing my life.
The things I've always told myself to make myself feel better are beginning to wear thin; the self confirmation and validation is turning to place I never wanted it to go. I'm doubting myself. Not because anyone is posting any valid arguments into my life, but people are same the same damn thing too many times. I just have to remember that though that may be the case for them, I'm a different story, as usual. Maybe this is my lesson. Being different is appealing, and it's fantastic, but it's damn lonesome. And totally worth it. I just have to stop telling myself to adapt. And be strong and faithful to the person I am. I don't think I can wrong if I am that. That and honest.

So far away.
It's growing colder without your love.
Why can't you feel me calling your name?
Can't break the silence,
It's breaking me.

This break down has been long since coming. I've been betrayed by everything and everyone I have held dear. I've lost my kittens. I've lost my happy. I've lost it all. Almost. I'm tired of clinging to the almost. Things almost working. Everything almost being right. My hair is almost the way I want it to fall. My hopes are almost within my reach. This impossible perfection I keep seeking is just that. Impossible. Where are you now?

All my fears turn to rage.

And I'm alone now, me
And all I stood for.
We're wandering now.
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out.
27 January 2007 @ 04:03 pm
learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew

I didn't plan for any of this. But now at least I know what's going on. Right?
I'm bored. At work. SURPRISE! But I finally did get a desk job with a steady, reliable nice income.
Who would have thought?
Me? Not waiting tables?
Whoo hoo.
I love it here. It's a nice change from busting my ass for nothing.

The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say - come dance with me
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen

I've discovered that DHT is amazing. Lol. I guess I should have known. Everything's getting easier. FIgured shit out with the best friend, making some new friends, still at Red Robin part time. Saving up to get a car, and counting my calories everyday.

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said-pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen
To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game, and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
Who call and say - come dance with me
And murmur vague obsceneties
To ugly girls like me, at seventeen.
Current Location: Work
Current Music: Guess.
18 December 2006 @ 03:47 pm
How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solvable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you

I'm not trying to "fix" anyone anymore. Not my place, not my business. I don't know everything. That's a lesson hard learned. I really don't. It's all about not being afraid of what I already know.

How to keep people at arms length and never get to close
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless so fast you're helping

I wish it was all so easy. I want to be the beacon, the illumination, the safety. Slowly it's comming down to the line. I have a wish to take care of others; and that is so much more powerful then the negativity of stress and worry. I've stopped caring, by caring more.
If I can affect everyone I meet in a submersive positive, then does that make me positive? Is it about others, or is it about how I feel when i smile?
What others make me smile?
What if it doesn't matter at all.
That thought makes me happiest of all.

I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
In the course of a lifetime, I never forgot
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships were taught by the best

I'm not judemental. As much as other's believe that, I'm no seperatist. It'd be easier if I was, unfortunately. But I'm not. I'm moving passed. Up and out, bitches.

How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all highest when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you're a player and a spiritualist
How to sabotage when you're in tough seas

I really have come through a lot. Conquered a lot of demons. Relished in a lot of sorrow. THrough most of this, I neglected to live. I think that was my problem. Job interview today, this is huge for me. To realize I don't owe anyone anything. The only person that is ever owed something is myself. Maybe that's a self-involved statement; but I'm done caring what you think. I respect other's opinion, but that doesn't make it my own.

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been waiting my whole life for this moment, I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well versed leader before you

I wasn't sure how to cope with the revelation of differences at first, but now I realize the importance of independance. Providence. It's all related inside of it's own misanthroprocity. It's all about the moment, isn't it? I'm done lingering in the past in future. Planning is important, but let it remain that, planning.

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to know them all the too well by going with them
How to stay stuck in your life hating them

I don't think i ever realized how much I need sleep. Like whoa.
Sweet dreams world.
I'm a back-stabber.

I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
In the course of a lifetime, I never forgot
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships were taught by the best
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Guess.
17 December 2006 @ 01:51 am
Lucy, River, Brooklyn,

You will always be a part of me. My family. My real family. I will miss you more than you wll ever know.

Comming home without you makes me dread my house. I used to get so excited about material. I used to be so enthrolled with my surroundings. It all used to be so easy, so simple. You three brought me back here when I went to the darkness; my little fuzzy flashlights. How I miss you.

I just want you to know that when I come into my home, when I look upon this emptiness I once found full, everything is illuminated. How amazing all three of you were independantly, how much I cared. You taught me that I could care. That this could come to me. That everything could be alright in the end. I wish you were still here.

I've never appreciated and regretted anything more in my entire life.

Your stocking still sits above the fireplace, right next to everyone elses. Because you are a part of my family. And you always will be. I worry about you guys, and never have I experienced what I did when I let you go. I sih you the best of everything. I hope the best for you.

My loves. My angels. My kitten fucking factory.

As you go out into the world; remember...someone out here is always thinking of you. Someone out here will always be wishing you the best. Someone will love you.

And when things get so hard it seems near impossible; when your chips are down and love is scarce, remember that once in your life you were taken care of. Once in your life something went right. I love you more than I have ever loved.

Brooklyn with your spirit and curiousity; nothing will ever uncover like you uncovered.

Lucy with your blatant naivity, how everything was a world to explore. It all meant so much.

River. You. You will always be the man of dreams, and it's hard to admit my heart was stolen my a cat. (Not in the creepy way, mind you.) I loved you. You were my pet.

I love you guys. I hope you're happy out in the world.

I wish I could stop fucking crying.
Current Mood: sadSad.
Current Music: The Hours Soundtrack
17 December 2006 @ 01:24 am
I’m on fire
and now I think I’m ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady

It's all blowing up. I shaved my goatee. I pulled everything out of my room, then put it back in. I had two interviews for a new job. I'm really excited about that. To be done with the dirty bird, once an for all. It will be good for me. This over-work is seriously starting to affect me in a deep, deep way.

Betty won’t stop listening to modern rock
How she hates to be alone
I try to compensate her lack of love with coffee cake
Ice cream and a bottle of ten dollar wine she says hey
I rock the Haro sport
I rock the cow girl blues
I rock too fast for love I’m footloose in my Velcro shoes
What’s up with Will and Grace?
I don’t get drum and bass
The future freaks me out

Where do I see myself in ten years? Why, wherever I end up of course. I think that it will be interesting to see what I end up doing. Who knows...

I’m on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
To the beat in my head
It goes oh, oh-oh-oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste our time together
Yeah, ‘cause we can get down

Sometimes it feels like I'm the only who gets what the fuck I'm saying. I try to be clear, but I can't find it in myself, can't find the place where I feel like I'm heard. That's weird. I'm halfway drunk, blogging. Never a good thing. Whatever works, right? Maybe I've created this whole world in my head, and I constantly preach to others about how to let go of other people's standards, and to live for themselves. Why can't I follow my own advice?

Betty can’t quit carving question marks in my wrist
How come we’re so alone
We waste away the days with nicotine and television samples
From an era we hate to admit we embrace
We fail to represent
We fail to be content
We fail at everything we ever even try to attempt
And so the story goes
As only Betty knows
It’s time to take control

Danny is in the weirdest place I have encountered with him so far. As far as how to cope with that, I'm not quite sure. He's getting to be really exhausting. I care for him, (not like that I don't think,) but I don't don't think he likes me that much anymore. Maybe he's taking out his curent anger on me. Or maybe I fucked something else up.
Who fucking knows, right?

Betty, I need you
I miss you
I’m so alone without you
To call up on the weekends with my cellular phone

I do miss them. Everytime I see someone else's, I almost want to cry.

Betty it’s so hard to relate
To the whole human race
I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know where to begin
If we can both find a way
To do the things that we say
We might not sit in our rooms
And drink our daydreams away
Betty, I’m a dreamer
I’m not a vicious schemer

Oh Betty won’t you.. ah fuck it
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Ace of Base - Living in Danger
I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
this day would come
Now all I'm feeling
is lost and numb

I though I'd been to the deepest dark, to the bottom of the sea of sorrow and loss. Never have I experienced what I felt today.
I make myself sick sometimes, and sometimes it's just too fucking hard to grin and bear it.
Everything's not ok.

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside

This submersive feeling wont pass me. I knew the storm was comming, and I thought it would be a lot easier to take in then it is. Yes, I'm still a new person, no, it's easy. Emotion is a struggle. To allow myself to feel. To allow others to see it. To hope. To dream. To make a fucking statement. I'm done acting apathetic or angry so I don't have to admit, (mostly to myself, mind you,) that I have any other emotions. Being reminded you're human sucks.
This is the beginning of a new era.

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

I'm going to miss you guys. You were my everything, my nothing, my world. I miss you already, and it hasn't even been 24 hours. I found your Christmas presents when I got home today. I cried. I cried a lot today. It's so hard to let you three go-but I hope to whatever is out there you are all ok. You are all happy. And know that someone, somewhere is always thinking of you. Someone out there is wishing you the best. And no matter how bad things get, remember the fun we had, while we could have it. My soul has been split from me, and I can't go back to being a robot.

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side
I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die
Current Mood: coldSad.
14 December 2006 @ 12:43 am
Birth of an angel, from the carcass of my demons.

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Jealousy is so over-rated. This comparison of myself to the world around me, setting my standards based on other's perception, has come to end. My life is no one's life but my own. And the best thing about it-I can always be where I want to be, simply by being there. The meanning of life could have been truly discovered on a hippie compound, but we wouldn't guess because of our pretense to not take things from that origin seriously. Something like that, anyway.

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

This feeling is fucking amazing. No drug, no pill, no drink or elixer could ever bring me to the stage I find myself escalated to. Why did I ever doubt myself? Foolishness. Nobody else matters unless I want them to...but everyone matters in their own right. We're all connected in our loneliness. We are sepperated by our fear.
It's all so pretentous, don't you think?

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

I'm going to learn, I'm gowing to grow. Nothing can ever stop me from thinking, and that is my place. I'm looking at things from the positive. I will surround myself with those energies.
That's what composes everything, am I wrong?
Life is physics.
Life is void.
Life is fucking crazy.

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

If I'm always having revelations, I can never be stagnant within myself, right?

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: bouncyWild.
Current Music: Guess.
06 December 2006 @ 11:33 pm
When it rains.
When the wind blows.
When the lightning strikes.
When the thunder booms and crashes.
When the tornado starts twisting,
and the air starts spinning,
When you lose focus of the horizon,
and turn to the past for some kind of self-grounding,
All you can remember is pain.
All you can see is storm.
The sky holds naught but black and grey,
the ground slipping from beneath you.
Don't get too attached sweetie,
this time your life is going to be a ruin.
Find your center,
Plant your feet.
Hold on tight, sweetie, because this is the beginning of
the ride of your life.
Please keep all arms in legs inside the vehicle at all times.
This ride doesn't stop for the rainstorms.
This ride doesn't stop for anything.
Welcome aboard.
Current Location: -Home
Current Mood: pissed offAngry.
Current Music: New Aguillera
04 December 2006 @ 04:26 pm
I'm tired of being the grounding for others. Who's out there to ground me??
When will I learn to grab what's in front of me?

I'm pretty much the only one that can make me un-lonely.
I need to be comfortable with myself before I can be comfortable with anyone else. Pre-judgement is a fucking curse.
I just need to not care so much about everything.
I think that would solve a lot of my problems.

To no one in particular.

now i'm lying in bed, wallowing in sorrow
missing the tomorrow that we could have had
running through my head, over and over
things i never told her now just make me sad
and it drives me insane, sitting with a vision
stuck with that image burned into my brain
and i feel so dumb that i could ever trust her
but someone else fucked her, then he walked away

and i don't really want to know
so don't tell me anymore
and i really don't want to hear
about her feet all up in the air
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tiredSleepy
Current Music: None